Part I ~ Part II ~ Part III ~ Part IV ~ Part V ~ Part VI ~ Part VII ~ Part VIII ~ Part IX ~ Part X ~ Part XI ~ Part XII ~ Part XIII ~ Part XIV ~ Part XV ~ Part XVI

The Kris Story, Epilogue
or...The Autumn Story
10.19.8

I had successfully cut all legal ties with Kris just in time to make my final declaration of independence, which came in the form of Operation: Drop-Off.

I've fielded my fair share of questions about that decision over the years. "Why didn't you just keep everything? Why didn't you at least sell it?" Well, for the record, I did keep anything that I had actually wanted. After all, she had given up her right to possession when she signed the move-out paperwork. What was left after my rummaging was a myriad pile of crap that wouldn't have even been worth pawning.

The effect I had hoped to achieve from The Drop-Off, however, was two-fold. The primary intent was to show her that I didn't need her anymore. It was a clear severance of any remaining connection between us. I didn't take the time to explain, or even allow her to see me. Simply, knock knock, "There's her stuff," and we were gone.

The second, more subversive part of the plan never really came to fruition. The Drop-Off was, to be frank, also a jab at Steve. At the time, I saw him as just some bachelor who was simply getting his rocks off, banging some slutty waitress. I had assumed that having her entire life strewn across his lawn on the morning of his 28th birthday would have been too much commitment, too suddenly. I honestly didn't think they would last another month after that.

I was apparently wrong. The whole scheme appeared to have zero effect on them. Hell, for all I know, it could have done the opposite, triggering some kind of birthday morning mid-life crisis that ended up further cementing their relationship. Either way...they certainly didn't break up any time soon.

Meanwhile, I was going through a period of finally getting my shit together. I got a better job, bought a brand new car and began turning my website into a rather enjoyable hobby for myself. I felt better about myself than I had in years. This, of course, led to a fair bit of success with the ladies.

One lady in particular found my website one day and quickly became a frequent visitor. She would read my journal entries, listen to my music and watch the cam. On occasion, she would use the website to chat with me as well and after a few good conversations, we decided to meet.

This was where The Kris Story ended and The Autumn Story began.

Like me, Autumn was in the process of getting over a bad relationship that had gone on way too long. She came over every chance she could get so we could knock back some drinks and trade stories. It wasn't long before we began dating.

Autumn certainly had an effect on me. When she first started coming over, my hall closet was still filled with the husks of dead roses I had collected. Also, Kris' wedding dress, purchased long before, still hung there in its bag. After a few rounds of kamikazes one night, Autumn suggested that we destroy these keepsakes. I was reluctant at first, but eventually gave in to her prodding.

After hearing that first tear in the fabric, it came naturally. Autumn and I gleefully ripped the dress to shreds. When that was through, we tore down the roses that I had so carefully hung, leaving a mess of petals and stems all over the carpet.

Since those early days, we've been pretty inseparable. While we did break up a couple of times (ironically, once because she was going to be visiting her ex-boyfriend and was thinking of giving it one last try), we have been together continuously now since February 17th, 2006.

Now, during all this time we've still kept tabs on our ex-significant others though their MySpace "blogs" and whatnot. We do it both out of morbid curiosity and to satisfy that desire for vindication that all jilted people have. So far, we've found ourselves very satisfied. The known timeline of Kris' life since Operation: Drop-Off reads as if it was written specifically to make me happy about mine.

Within two months, Kris had already gotten pregnant, but quickly lost the baby. Four months later, she was pregnant again and very happy about it, despite the fact that they were having trouble keeping their "heads above water." Around this time, she also began introducing herself to people as Rei, a character from the Evangelion anime series. She was obviously still having the same problems being herself as she had always had, even writing, "I feel like I'm starting anew...like I get to create a whole new me, the way I want me to be." Interestingly, Steve was very into anime...and she was too, suddenly. They even contemplated naming their kid Shinji Ikari when it was born.

In October of 2005, she admitted that drugs and alcohol (which had apparently been so important to her while with me) had not only nearly destroyed her relationship with Steve, but had also been the likely reason for their miscarriage earlier in the year.

She also believed that hurricane Katrina was a sign of the coming apocalypse.

Interspersed amongst these major revelations and crazy talk were story after story about how poor they were, or how much she loved (and soon hated) each new job, or about how much she enjoyed Everquest and Lord of the Rings. Infrequently, she would admit to checking up on me as well. Once, she was simply musing about the fact that I had shaved my head (which she, for some reason, attributed to the fact that Trent Reznor had also done so...a fact I had been unaware of). Usually, though, this occurred on nights when she found herself depressed about her life.

On one of these nights, she discovered that my grandmother had passed away. I was surprised that she had the audacity to mention this, as Kris' actions toward me had greatly pained my grandmother while she was alive. Nonetheless, Kris found herself looking for an outlet for mourning. "I can't talk to Steve about it and I don't really have any other friends," she wrote. Odd, considering that she had cited controlling behavior as the main reason she had left me for him. I suppose this proved my suspicions that any control issues had always been mostly in her head. It seemed they still were, too.

Now, I don't bring all this up to suggest that her life is inherently inferior to mine or to insult her. The last time she logged in to write anything was in May of 2007, so for all I know, things are going swimmingly for them and she may be incredibly happy. I don't really know and I don't really care.

What these entries did for me, though, was to remind me of just how unhappy I would have been with her. Kris' story is one of a girl who was terribly wrong for me. Not only is she incredibly uninteresting outside of her insane behavior, but she had an uncanny ability to keep me stuck in a rut.

My life without Kris has been amazing, so far. I've met the girl I'm going to marry; she's beautiful, incredibly fun to be around and our sexlife is more satisfying than I ever imagined possible. Together we've explored half the country (with the rest of the world to come). We have two wonderful cats and an awesome dog. Our cars are completely paid off, we have 60 percent equity in a beautiful condo and by the end of this year we will be completely out of debt. Our lives just keep getting better all the time. I feel so blessed these days that I find it hard to figure out what I ever saw in my previous life.

Really, though, I had never actually thought about The Kris Story as a whole before I began writing it all down. In my mind, her existence had been boiled down to just a vague memory of a series of bad experiences (which is partly why this took so long to finish). Seeing it all here in one cohesive series, however, makes me wonder how it ever happened. How could I have avoided noticing how habitually terrible she was to me?

I suppose I know the answer. In a way, Kris and I were kindred spirits. Like her, I didn't know how to make myself happy. We both expected someone else to do it for us. It wasn't until she had sent me to the lowest point of my life that I finally started doing what was right for me. Once I did that, it was as if life just magically started working out.

In a way, I suppose that's one thing I can thank her for. She was the greatest hard lesson in my life.

There is one last thing I didn't mention. I don't know exactly what it means, but I felt that I had to include it somewhere. This is as good a place as any, I suppose...

Many years ago, after the first time Kris had broken up with me, I found myself very angry and depressed. One night, I drove to a nearby church that was still under construction and went inside. It was pitch black inside the giant main hall. There were no pews or decorations...just tools and plywood. At the front of the room, a gaping hole in the wall looked out upon the stars. I walked slowly toward it, thinking about everything I had been through so far.

I had intended to yell. I don't know what I was going to say, but I wanted to yell at a God I wasn't even sure I believed in. I wanted someone to blame or some kind of answer. Once I reached the future window, I just stood there looking at the stars and the full moon, preparing myself. I opened my mouth several times, but nothing came out. Soon, my resolve disappeared and I broke down.

Instead of the torrent of profane accusations I had planned to unleash, I began to murmur quietly as tears streamed down my face. I stared up at the night sky, asking why. Why had Kris left me? What did I do wrong? Why did life have to be so shitty?

As I stood there waiting for an answer, I believe I received one.

At that moment, I heard the loudest sound I have ever heard. A cacophony of crashes echoed, suddenly, though the hall. It sounded like a thousand metal beams falling, scraping against each other before slamming against the ground. I screamed along with the unexpected noise, spinning wildly to see what was happening. It must have gone on for a good 10 seconds, but when it was over I found myself still alone, staring into the darkness. I looked back at the stars, and decided that I had received the answer I had come for.

With that, I left.