Vacation
3.14.8

I suppose it's time for some elaborations and corrections in regard to the recent pre-written vacation blorts...

Day 1 ~ It turns out that our flights weren't all that bad. I don't know if this was due to excellent piloting, though. I think the 3 or 4 shots of morning vodka were what really did the trick. By the time I had finished my usual Bloody Mary and watched an in-flight showing of Enchanted, I was ready to sleep until we landed.

Drunk is truly the only way to fly.

Day 2 ~ After spending the previous evening at my mother's house, we headed over to see Autumn's grandfather. This was only the first of a huge slate of family members we were scheduled to see, though. Her grandfather, uncle, other grandfather and grandmother; my mom, dad, grandfather, and uncle...it seemed that half of the people we're related to had chosen to settle down in Florida over the years.

Oh, and as for the matter of how or why Autumn has so many grandfathers...it's best if you just don't ask. I actually had to sit down and draw out her family tree one night just so I could understand exactly who everyone was. It's complicated.

Day 3 ~ We never actually made it to the Indian casino on this day. Autumn had added in some last-minute visits to family members, so we were already running late to Ft. Myers. Incidentally, mere hours before we reached her "other" grandfather's house, a 60-year old man wearing a suit and tie, walked into a Wendy's restaurant and randomly began shooting people before eventually killing himself. This occurred literally right across the street from this house.

Day 4 ~ While we had missed out on Seminole gaming the previous day, our first day in Ft. Myers found us going to the dog track so my grandfather could play poker. Being an animal lover, Autumn was initially hesitant to place any bets, but eventually warmed up to the idea after seeing that most of the dogs actually looked pretty happy. In true female style, she referred to her betting style as "voting for the cutest dog."

Day 5 ~ The next morning we headed up to Old Town to see Autumn's grandmother, who owns the most well kept 10-acre yard I've ever seen. During the drive there, I became certain of at least one thing: I fucking hate PT Cruisers. I've always known that they were hideous, but it turns out that they are terribly uncomfortable and have extra-large blind spots, too. Don't even get me started on the seatbelts...

Day 6 ~ Our initial plan for Day 6 was much more hardcore than what we eventually decided on doing. Instead of hanging out with bikers all day, we went to Disneyworld (to be fair, though, Autumn's grandmother is a biker which must count for something).

This day was not only our first real day alone on this vacation, but it was the best trip to the Magic Kingdom ever. We didn't wait in line for more than 5 minutes all day, and we were able to ride everything at least once (even "It's a Small World," which was much more disturbing than it was as a kid). There were two secrets to this success: 1) We went on a Thursday, which has shorter hours than all the other days. 2) We used the FastPass system.

In case you don't know, this is how FastPass works: You see a ride with a 30 minute line. You insert your entrance pass into a machine, which prints a ticket. The ticket will have an hour long window on it (i.e. if you got the FastPass at 3:00pm, the window will be from 3:30-4:30pm). Then you go do whatever the hell you want for awhile, and return sometime during that hour. At that point, you simply waltz right to the front of the 30-minute line.

It almost felt dirty cutting in front of the masses of people who had been waiting for so long. I didn't understand why anyone would choose to wait in line when such an awesome alternative was available. My only guess is that people are as confused by the FastPass as they are by self-checkout machines. Most of them probably just didn't take the time to figure out what it was, or assumed it cost extra.

I suppose if this website ever gets popular, I just ruined everything, didn't I?

Day 7 ~ We headed to the Everglades on this day. Afterwards we stopped by an oddly named fruit stand and picked up several tropical fruits. We picked up some mango, papaya (rhymes with cutaia), guava, tamarinds, passion fruit, and even a coconut with a straw in it. The name of the fruit stand? Robert is Here. Apparently the founder of the fruit stand opened shop when he was a little boy by sitting behind a table decorated with a hand-painted banner that simply said, "Robert is Here." The name stuck.

Day 8 ~ We spent this day back in Ft. Myers with my dad.

My dad gets worse every time I see him. Basically, he has some serious control issues. I'm sure I'll go further into this one day, but to give you an idea of what I mean, he even tried to tell me how to cut my food the first night we saw him. I'm twenty-fucking-six, by the way. This compounds with his need to tell me everything between 3 and 15 times, and you can imagine how our relationship goes. My dad has essentially monopolized 95% of the conversation since I was born.

Like I said, I'm sure I'll talk all about this one day, but one specific story from this trip really stands out:

We were parked by the entrance of the track...again. My dad was bitching about how I hadn't driven fast enough on the way there, which meant that my grandfather would now have to wait an extra 45 minutes to an hour to get a seat at a poker table (it would have been nice if he had asked me to speed up at any time before then if he had thought there was a fucking problem). During this one-sided argument, a van containing about 10 people accidentally bumped the back of the car. While this was a pretty bone-headed move for a professional driver to make, my dad's reaction was absolutely insane. At that point my dad got out of the car and started screaming and swearing. He kept telling the guy how "fucking stupid" he was and then started kicking the van repeatedly. The 10 people who had gotten out of the van kept pleading, "It was an accident. Nobody's hurt...calm down! Do you know what an accident is? There's nothing even wrong with the car!" As you can imagine, the incident was horribly embarrassing.

Now, normally my dad isn't violently crazy like this, but he certainly has some issues, and in his mind he is always, always right.

Day 9 ~ Our anniversary was ruined once again on day 9. Our original plan to snorkel in Biscayne Bay was cancelled when the weather turned bad, and a romantic dinner was suddenly too expensive. Instead, we sat around watching TV all day, which was actually kind of nice for once.

Day 10 ~ Final day. We woke up late and almost didn't go to Key West. I finally decided that I was going, even if it was only for a few hours.

I'm glad we went. It was a nice time. We went to the shipwreck museum, saw the southernmost everything in the continental United States, and walked all up and down Duval Street.

All in all, we had a great time in Florida. In fact, I would say the worst part was simply all the phone calls and effort I had to put into the insurance claim for Autumn's stolen car which had been found a couple days into the trip. However, I cannot wait until we get to take a real vacation again. Seeing family is a part of life I suppose, but it doesn't exactly make for the most fun and exciting trips.

But, until the eventual Great Southeastern Roadtrip...I suppose it will have to do...