WASP!
8.29.7
I keep meaning to buy an EpiPen to keep around the house, but so far I just haven't gotten around to it. It would probably be good to have, because if my family history is any indication, it's safe to assume that I am very allergic to bee stings. I've always been cautious to avoid finding out, though. Aside from the time as a child when I accidentally pricked myself on a dead bee, I've never been stung. I plan to keep it that way.
Two weeks ago, however, I thought my long streak of sting-free living was about to end.
It was the day before the recent Dunes trip. I had just clocked out, and was about to go meet Autumn at the liquor store. As I approached my car in the parking lot, though, I noticed a wasp on my driver's side window. I immediately went into "sting-avoid" mode, backing away to formulate a plan. I eventually decided to enter the car through the passenger side.
Simple.
After hopping over the center console, and getting comfortable, I took some time to examine the creature. I had never actually seen one so close up. It was fascinating to see, but at the same time a little weird; the whole time he seemed to be staring at me.
Being safely inside, I decided to fuck with him a little. After all, he would be blown off of the car as I drove, never to be seen again. I moved my face closer to him and started tapping the glass...taunting him for no reason. As I did this, he just continued to stare at me. It was almost as if he were studying my face. "Whatcha gonna do, bitch?" I asked, as I began to drive (In retrospect, this was a bad decision on my part).
I pulled out of the parking lot and onto Inverness Drive East. At that point, I began thinking a little too much. For some reason, I decided that he had probably memorized my face. It occurred to me that it would be in my best interest to keep him on the car for at least a little while. Otherwise, he'd just go right back to his nest and wait for me to return.
I set the cruise control at 25 MPH and began to navigate the winding road, keeping a watchful eye on my little hitchhiker the entire time. I continued with my smack-talking, too: "Oh...how do you like that, fucker? Is that too windy for you???"
Eventually, I reached the stoplight at County Line Road. I turned to watch the wasp as I waited for it to turn green. He was still in the exact same position. I was a little surprised that he had held on for that long, but it was time to shake him off. As the light turned green, I accelerated. I glanced over at him as I passed 10 MPH, then 20, and 30...eventually hitting the speed limit of 40. Amazingly enough, he was still hanging on.
It was time to up the ante.
I started going even faster. 45. 50. 55. There was too much traffic, though. As I neared 60, I was forced to slam on my brakes to avoid rear-ending another car. I put some space between us, and again began to accelerate...this time banging on the window with my fist. It went on like this for quite some time, with me erratically speeding up, slowing down, and banging on my window. I must have looked crazy.
After 3 miles of this, I finally reached my destination. Autumn was sitting outside Davidson's Liquor, waiting for me. She was gonna have to keep waiting, though, because I still had my little wasp problem to deal with. Instead of turning left into the parking lot, I veered wildly into the right turn lane to go north on Holly. This road would be much less populated, so I could build up some extra speed there.
I put the pedal to the floor, and quickly hit 60 MPH. As the needle past 70, I turned to see him clinging to the glass with all of his strength. His wings looked like they could be ripped off at any moment. His body was being blown almost horizontal, and his legs looked about ready to just give out.
But they didn't.
About a mile and a half into this, I pulled into a church parking lot to regroup. I stared at him for a few moments, and decided to give it one last shot. I was so close last time. I just needed to get a little more speed. Just a little more and...what? "What the fuck are you doing?"
He was moving now...but he wasn't leaving. He had moved back into his vertical position, and was once again staring at me. I watched as he picked his legs up, one at a time, and shook each one. When he was done with this, he hunkered down and returned to his motionless position, as if to prepare for more abuse. At this point, I really started to get scared, because I finally knew for sure...this wasp really was out to get me.
"Alright...let's do this shit."
I tore out of the parking lot, and headed back south on Holly. I accelerated to over 80 MPH, and started pounding violently on the window. Each intersection I flew by was a deathtrap waiting to happen. My heart was beating so hard I could almost hear it. I remember wondering how I would explain this to a police officer if I had been pulled over. Fortunately, that didn't happen.
Unfortunately, I had failed. When I returned to County Line Road, he was still there, hanging on for dear life. As I drove past Davidson's Liquor, I saw Autumn smiling and waving at me. I didn't stop, though...I just kept driving past her. I didn't know what to do. Suddenly, I had an idea.
I saw some trees hanging over the sidewalk at the end of the street. I pulled up to them slowly, and used them to brush the side of my car, hoping to knock him off. I went through them forward once, but missed. I went backwards next, and hit him with the branch. He didn't fall, though. I went forward one more time and delivered a direct hit! He was gone, it seemed! At that point, I sped back onto the road, and did a quick 180. I drove over to the branches, and looked out my passenger side window at them. I didn't see him anywhere. He wasn't on the branches...he wasn't on the ground. He didn't seem like he had the energy to fly after the journey I had taken him on, so he had to be somewhere. Eventually, I looked at my left rear-view mirror, and what I saw filled me with an odd sense of horror.
There he was, a few inches below my window, slowly crawling up the door. He reached the window, and I got a close look at him. Each leg was shaking now. His body looked so frail. It appeared as though he were dragging himself up that window with the last of his strength. He pulled himself up to the exact same spot he had been before, and went right back to his standoff with me.
Even in his obviously weakened state, I was in no mood to tangle with him. I was certain that he would find it in him to attack me if I left the vehicle. I had to get rid of him, so I went back to the trees and started brushing again. When he fell for a second time, I got the fuck out of there.
I parked on the side of the road, and started looking around. I kept switching between all of my mirrors, trying to see anything, but hoping I wouldn't. Suddenly, I realized that Autumn was walking directly towards me.
I started waving my arms around, trying to keep her away from the car. She simply gave me a really strange look, and ignored my signals. As she approached the car, I started frantically writing a barely legible note. I pressed it against the window, and she read it: "Is there a what on the car?"
I picked up the pen again, and in giant letters scrawled the word, "WASP!"
Although understandably confused, she walked around the car, inspecting it. When she had fully circled the car, she confirmed for me that she didn't see any wasps. I finally let her in, urging her to shut the door quickly.
I wasn't entirely comfortable for the rest of the day. I kept half-expecting to find the damned thing strapped to the bottom of my car, waiting for the right moment to strike. It never happened, though. It was over.
At least I hope it is...
