An Indiscretion
6.22.6
She told me a week ago. Since then I've been debating whether or not I should write this entry. In the spirit of honesty, I've finally decided that yes...I should.
"I have something I have to tell you," Autumn began, "but I'm afraid that you won't love me anymore." Frankly, nothing more needed to be said. At that exact moment, I knew everything. I won't go into details here, but she essentially informed me that on the night of May 2nd there had been...an indiscretion.
"Who?" I questioned, even though I already knew the answer.
I met Joe when I began working for him at Papa Murphy's almost 3 years ago. At the time, he had no real friends to speak of, and a girlfriend who supposedly treated him like shit. At 20, he had only had the one girlfriend, and the one job. It was all he knew.
Over the next year he and I became good friends. I even remember him calling me his best friend on more than one occasion. Throughout that year I listened to story after story about his relationship problems. According to him, Crystal was a neurotic, insecure, crazy bitch. He always hurried home immediately after work; any lateness, according to him, would be grounds for her to begin yelling. He "did everything for her" and she "didn't appreciate any of it." He described her not only as someone who wasn't nice to him...but as someone who was just downright mean. He would tell me about all the things she did to "purposely" hurt him. One recurring tale in particular involved her constant attacks on his sexual ability. From these stories, it certainly seemed as though this woman was solely responsible for his complete lack of self-esteem.
Throughout all of this, I was always there for him. I offered my advice nigh on a hundred times. I was constantly reassuring him that she was probably to blame for their disappointing sex life...not him (Although, to be perfectly frank, I always had doubts about the truth in that statement). I disclosed nearly every detail about my break-up with Kris to him, under the postulation that it could have potentially stopped his relationship from meeting the same fate.
Then on May 31st of 2005, Joe and Crystal married. It seemed that all my help had really paid off. He even asked me to film his wedding.
I filmed his fucking wedding for Christ's sake.
Anyway, that day marked the beginning of the end for them. Over the next year, they combined their funds, bought a house, and came closer and closer to failure. Towards the end, she abruptly moved out, and began living with some guy she met at work. The whole thing was again reminiscent of my relationship with Kris.
Once again, I took the friend role seriously. As he tried to convince her to sign the divorce papers, I supported him. I tried to keep him positive, explaining to him that it was for the best. Late night confidence-building sessions were the cause of a few tired workdays for myself. Soon enough, he was living on his own and had a girlfriend that he had admired for years. He had pulled through relatively unscathed.
Or so I thought.
See, Joe had started hanging out with a new group of people. You know the type: They wear sunglasses indoors at night. They're obsessed with how fast their cars go. They party as often as they can, not because they enjoy it, but because they have to. They spend every waking moment trying to get laid. They always have a baseball hat on.
It was this last attribute that gave me a name for these wastes of life: The goofy guys in hats.
I hate the fucking goofy guys in hats. They bore me to no end, but furthermore I hate every single thing they stand for. Their desires are weak and shallow, and everything they do is designed to stop their giant insecurities from ripping them to shreds.
Suddenly Joe found himself cheating on his wonderful new girlfriend, Jordan. Then, the next day he tried to rationalize his actions, claiming that he wasn't really sure if they were even actually going out or not. Of course, after confirming that they were indeed together, he proceeded to cheat on her again. When she finally left him, he had the nerve to call her a bitch for leaving (Of course, this is an obvious "goofy guys in hats" defense mechanism).
After that I found myself hanging out with him less and less, and he found himself spending more and more time with his repulsive friend Scott. This degenerate is the king of the goofy guys in hats. Every word that comes out of his mouth sparks in me a desire to claw out his vocal chords. His standard description of his nightly plans goes something like, "I dunno. Hang out. Drink. Get some ass." Every sexual innuendo he utters is followed by a derisive snicker; one that makes it clear that women are nothing but soulless fuckholes in his eyes.
Joe took more than just a shine to Scott. Joe seemed to idolize this piece of shit. Suddenly Joe was modeling his life after the rules and customs of the goofy guys in hats. He had become one of them.
Without my asking, he was forcing me to listen to stories about his "conquests." The girl at the bank he had asked out: "I fucked that." The girl who claimed she faked her orgasm: "Whatever...I felt muscle contractions, and you can't fake those!" It was amazing...he was bragging about his sexual prowess, while at the same time proving his ignorance about the female body. Of course, then he proceeded to tell me that later on "some dudes" had probably "tag-teamed that slut." He would ask me what my friend Danielle was up to, despite his complaints that she was "annoying" and his knowledge that she has a boyfriend. He even invited Jen to his apartment even though he's always claimed to "hate that stupid bitch." He was looking at girls I sincerely care about as nothing more than objects.
It was painfully obvious that I was losing Joe. He was becoming the kind of person that I refuse to be around. I didn't want to see that happen, though, so I had started planning for an intervention. A goofy guy intervention.
Which brings me to May 2nd.
That was the night of his housewarming party. Autumn and I had showed up to congratulate him. Unfortunately, I had to work the next day so I left around eleven. That was the last time I even thought about that night until last week when Autumn told me what had happened. As I said before, the details are unnecessary. What is important, however, is the aftermath.
Autumn was certain that I would leave her, yet she told me anyway. She then spent the next several days in deep remorse. We spent hours on end talking about everything. In looking back on the month of May, I suddenly realized just how different she had been. It became obvious that she had been feeling nothing but guilt and pain since it happened. In the end, I decided that I would be willing to give our relationship one last try, because I do love her, and I'd hate to lose that just yet. I also am quite sure that nothing like this will ever happen again.
I know that people question my decision to stay with her. However, the whole thing is much more complex than it seems at the surface. She was quite drunk (I'm fully aware that this is not an excuse), but also very vulnerable at the time. To give you an example of one of the complications involved: There were some insecurities and feelings of jealousy that she was experiencing that stemmed from some threesomes we had recently partaken in. I bring that up, not as a sole justification, but as an example of one of the many intricacies in this story.
Regardless, it's my decision, and I'm fine with it. It's going to be a long time before this is completely behind us, but I'm confident that it will be one day.
Joe, on the other hand...
Joe is dead to me. There was not a single gray area in his motivations. He did it for one reason and one reason only.
I've never been anything but a friend to Joe. I have been there for him though everything these past years. Unlike with Autumn, there is nothing I've done that could even have conceivably justified his involvement in this affair. Not one bit.
Then when I think back on the weeks before I found out...my strongest memory of him is his exhortations that I should call him more often. "You never call me anymore," he said. That son of a bitch had the fucking balls to question my dutifulness as a friend after what he had done! As if I had been the bad friend here!
Also, when he found out that Autumn had told me about it...his only reaction was a whiny, "Why did you tell him?" His only concern was that he had been caught. Then came the lies. "I didn't know you two were going out..."
This man completely betrayed a friend, and since then has done absolutely nothing but showcase his complete lack of honor.
I know that he intends to attempt a restoration of our friendship, despite a voice mail I left him advising him not to contact me. Autumn heard me leave the message and described it as the most horrible things she's ever heard anyone say to a person. The thing Joe needs to understand, however, is that while he is a weak, pathetic shell of a person...I am deep down inside, a very strong one, and when I say something...I fucking mean it. Joe could kill himself tonight, and I wouldn't even blink.
So that's the story. I wish like hell that none of it had ever happened, but there's nothing that can be done about it now. In the meantime, I have no idea what the future holds for Autumn and I...but I'm looking forward to finding out.
