Mid-Life Crisis
1.15.6
It was 2001.
I had a decent job running a cigarette shop. I worked open to close each day. My nights comprised mostly of driving around town, or drinking with friends. I lived in my car. The twin towers had just fallen.
This was the first time I remember asking myself, "What am I doing with my life?"
It didn't take too long for everything to change. Before September had even ended, I had quit my job, pulled out all my savings, and left on what I like to call "The Great American Road-Trip." I had actually been planning such a trip for years, but had never had an appropriate opportunity to do something about it.
I'm not sure exactly what finally triggered it. It could have been the 77-hour workweeks. It could have been the lack of direction in my life. It could have been the recent attacks on the World Trade Center. In the end, it was probably a combination of the three.
13,000 miles and two months later I returned home, with a fresh outlook on life. I moved in with some friends in Ft. Collins, got back together with Kris, and was ready to start fresh...
Alright...so it didn't work out in the end.
The point is this...that particular incident was just the first of many similar moments of anxiety in my life. The end of last week heralded the beginning of just such an annual mid-life crisis.
See, I've always seen myself doing something artistic with my life. Whether it be music, film, writing...it doesn't matter, as long as I have an opportunity to create.
Recently, however, I've begun to seriously doubt my ability to do so. Half the time I'm too lazy to work on my goals, and when I do happen to force out a little bit of creativity, I feel like the end result is rather mediocre.
It makes me think back on my recent frustration with Jeremy. I don't know if it was his success that triggered these doubts in my own abilities, or if there were existing doubts brewing that had caused such an irrational anger toward him. However, I am feeling better now.
I guess, as I've grown older, I've found much less extreme ways of dealing with these kinds of thoughts. I no longer have those crazy urges to just leave town every time I wonder where my life is headed. These days, I try to use my dissatisfaction to my advantage. Instead of changing my life completely, I simply work harder toward my future goals.
This weekend, I began work on several projects I've been contemplating. Some of them really seem like they have some potential. It's been an incredible release, and I'm suddenly very excited. Frankly, it makes me feel incredibly stupid for playing out an imaginary feud with a fellow artist inside my screwed up little head.
I suppose the good news is that I probably won't be selling my car in order to backpack around Europe anytime soon.
Mid-life crises...
God, I'm too young for this shit.
