When It All Comes Together
5.8.5
"There could not be anything inside of me so ghastly that the world could not someday handle being exposed to it." - Mark A. Thomas, 9.22.95
For the past 7 months, I have placed my entire life on these pages. My successes. My failures. Things I'm proud of. Things I wish I'd have never created. When I initially began work on this site, I thought back to this quote. One I found probably 7 years ago. It represents everything I had wanted this site to be. It represents the way I've always tried to live my life. Honesty is a very important thing to me.
Yesterday, however, I believe I may have found the flaw in this thinking.
Somehow, I never really thought that Kris would see this website. I'm not entirely sure why. There were plenty of ways for her to find it. Perhaps it was wishful thinking on my part. I suppose there was also the part of me that really did want her to see it.
Let me go back a moment.
When Kris left, she not only cut me out of her life, but all of her friends as well. This didn't make them too happy with her. One of them, even decided to edit Kris' MySpace profile...scrawling the word "whore" all over her pictures, and changing her background to a picture of me that proclaimed that "God hates filthy sluts."
It stayed that way all these months, until 2 days ago, when I was alerted that it had finally been put back to "normal."
She was finally back online. It was just one night later that her IP address showed up in my stat tracker, and I happened to catch it from the beginning. I watched for an hour and a half as she delved through nearly every aspect of the site. She read the journals. She watched the classics. She watched the movies. She browsed through everything that I've done in the past 7 months, and the whole time, I watched intently...wondering what was going through her head.
I felt so vulnerable. I felt like perhaps I had opened myself up too much. That there were things I never should have said. I feel like I shouldn't even be writing this.
She stopped looking at the site at 8:51. Exactly 18 minutes and 20 seconds later another person showed up in the logs. This was Jen.
I had never really expected her to see anything on this site, either. As she started watching me on the (cutaia-cam), she called me.
My Conversation With Jen
At the end of that conversation, she had stumbled upon my entry about Denver Night. I felt my heart sink. My hands were (and still are) shaking. It was bad enough that Kris had finally seen everything, but now, just minutes later, Jen too was seeing it all.
She never called back. Either she was too busy laughing it up with her friends, or my over-emotional word rampage had scared her. I wouldn't blame her either way.
So, here I am. It's all out in the open. During that conversation, Jen had asked if it was a bad thing that Kris had finally seen the site. Hilarious.
My life has always worked out this way. There is no such thing as coincidence for me. It seems that everything always means something. This is a perfect example of when it all comes together. Had I only known that mere moments after Jen had asked me that question, I'd be asking myself the exact same question about her...well, I wonder what my answer would have been.
I suppose none of it matters now. I'm not worried. There could not be anything inside of me so ghastly that the world could not someday handle being exposed to it.
Same goes for the two of you.
