Denver Night
4.9.5
Without someone to love, my thoughts were so...quiet.
I had been in love for 7 years. I was so used to it. I didn't really have any recollection of what it was like to live without that feeling.
With everything that's happened, I was recently confronted with the fact that I had nobody to love. It felt so empty.
Last Monday, Jen and I went down to Denver. This was our second "Denver Night," as we like to call it.
The night started out with our usual failures. Neither of us are very decisive people, so figuring out what to do always begins with entirely too much: "I don't know...what do you want to do?"
I finally came up with some "high-class" ideas, and we headed out. Our attempts at being "cultured," however, were fruitless. Every place we wanted to go was closed. It was too late to go to the zoo, and museums, it seems, have a baffling policy of being closed on Mondays. The first place we ended up actually entering was the Denver Public Library. Here we wandered around random upstairs corridors, admiring the absolutely non-functional construction of their staff's hallways, waiting to be told to leave. When no such warning came, we decided to head over to the Mayan to see what independent films were playing.
The first movie poster we saw featured an Amish family standing together in a serene grassy hill. The second, showed two men romping about in the distance, and featured the tagline: "He was trained to hate...until he met the enemy." I was starting to worry that this idea was going to be a bust, but was relieved to find that the final movie option was a new Woody Allen movie called "Melinda & Melinda."
Any girl who can go to a Woody Allen movie with me and enjoy it, instantly gains a huge amount of respect in my eyes. I'm a big fan of his, and it's hard to find people who appreciate such dry humor. Jen is apparently such a person.
The night ended with us lying on my car's hood, under a blanket, watching the stars. I've found that stargazing is never quite as tranquil and rewarding as the movies would lead you to believe. It is always cold and windy, and the clouds always seem to roll in at just the wrong time. Still...it would have been the perfect end to our date. If only it had been a date.
I can't be sure that she is even currently available. She refuses to ever give me a straight answer on what the exact situation is between her and Nathan. All I ever hear about is what an abusive asshole he is. To be fair, though...I'm sure that's all Steve ever heard Kris say about me.
She's enjoying keeping me in the dark, I believe. A mixture of leading me on, and playing hard to get. The ambiguity of it all has kept me absolutely enthralled with her. I think about her constantly, and whenever I'm around her I can't stop smiling.
It feels like love.
But this is a dilemma for me. How can I be sure that I'm not trying to create a non-existent feeling, simply to recapture what I've known for so long? Perhaps there is really nothing there, and I've just attached myself to the first girl that showed me any kind of affection. To be in love now, doesn't make any sense...yet it feels so right at times. It's confusing...
...yet at the same time, very exciting. I simply cannot wait to find out where this is all leading.
When I saw a shooting star Monday night, she asked me what I had wished for. "You have to tell at least one person...otherwise it won't come true."
I didn't dare tell her.
