Kris
2.19.5
Thanksgiving. Christmas. New Year's Eve. AVD.
All of these dates passed with no word from Kris, whatsoever. Today is her birthday, and I imagine the outcome will be pretty much the same.
6 months ago, I had hoped she would come crawling back to me. That we would give it another shot, and everything would be alright. Later, I wanted her to come crawling back just so I could reject her. Slam the door in her face. Tell her all the horrible things I had started thinking.
At this point I no longer have any expectations as to how it will or should go. It's more a matter of curiosity now. I can't help but think about what it may be like. I want it to be a huge event. Something I'll always remember as a pivotal moment in my life.
In reality, though, it'll probably be much more anti-climactic than I hope. I may see her in a store one day. Perhaps a party. Maybe we'll have some meaningless fucking conversation where we never mention the past. Maybe we'll just pretend not to see/know each other.
It's not even as if I really want to hear from her. As cliché as it sounds, in this case it really is the principle of the thing. Knowing that someone I gave 3 years of my life to could just walk away and never think of me again...it's...
I don't know how to finish that sentence.
A short time later:
A voice in the back of my head finally said it: "It makes me feel so worthless."
I know that she was the wrong one here. I wasn't at fault here. I never did anything but love her. She's the one who made a calculated effort to hurt me. But still...I gave her everything I had to give. I would have done anything for her. I would've given my life for her. I just wish...I'd like to know that she cares at all. I'd like to know if she's sorry. I'd like to know that she even gives a shit if I'm alive or not.
I just want to know that something that meant so much to me, couldn't have been completely forgotten by her.
So, here we are, Kris. It's your birthday, and like usual, I won't hear from you. You won't even think about me.
Of course, maybe you already have. After Operation: Dropoff, I can't help but think that this is what you wanted. That your birthday wish was for me to be stuck, sick at home today. To stop me from getting anywhere near you.
Well, if that's the case...happy birthday...
