AVDvi
2.14.5
There are many stories behind the "first" Valentine's Day, and if you combine them all it goes something like this:
Around 270 A.D., the Emperor Claudius decided that unmarried men made better warriors than married men. Because of this he outlawed marriage. Now, right from the start this story is clearly inaccurate, because no emperor could have ever come to such a stupid decision. After all...being married could drive even the most timid man into a murderous warrior's rage.
In any case...when this ban took effect, a young man by the name of "Valentine" began marrying couples secretly. Obviously, he was caught and put in jail. During his stint in the big house, Valentine fell in love with the jailer's blind daughter and, get this...healed...her blindness...with his love. With his fucking love! I mean...wow, right?
So, anyway...he writes her some letters...signs them, "From your Valentine," and...well, then he's beheaded.
Centuries later the Romans have a pretty sweet deal going. Every year on February 15th, they celebrate the pagan Festival of Lupercus.
Now this was a real holiday. The men would kill goats, then run around the streets swinging goat parts around, and beating women with the skins of the goats. Then they would finish the whole bloody day off with a big lottery. The names of the town's teenaged girls were placed into a box. Then the men of the town would draw names from the box to find out who their sexual partner would be for the next year.
Then the Christians came in and ruined everything.
They disposed of the killing, and changed the lottery. Instead of drawing the names of hot young girls, the men were now to draw the names of "saints." They were then to follow the example of their given "saint" throughout the next year.
At this point, we see proof that spin marketing existed as far back as the 5th century, because someone came to the conclusion that Valentine (who really had nothing to do with any of this) would make a great "patron saint of love" to mascot the day. Still must have been a hard sell, though: Orgy-centric ritual of over-indulgence...or glorification of a beheaded "love healer?"
Thus...the first Valentine's Day was born.
As stupid as that story is, the fact that we still celebrate this holiday astounds me.
Before I go any further, I want to separate myself from the herds of pathetic bastards who complain that Valentine's Day only exists to make single people lonely. That's idiotic, and it's bullshit. This day exists for one reason and one reason only:
Money.
Fuck pink, red, and white. Today's true color is green. Corporations invented the Valentine's Day we celebrate these days. They went to work telling society that if you didn't get something for your significant other on this day...that there was something wrong with you. That you didn't care as much as someone who went shopping.
That's what gets to me.
How can an entire country be so convinced that this is true? Don't they see it? What means more: Buying roses for your wife because it's Tuesday and you love her, or buying roses on February 14th because the date has been drilled into your skull for an entire month ahead of time? Seriously...you can't even do a fucking search on Google without being reminded.
So, five years ago, I decided that I was never to celebrate Valentine's Day again. Instead, I'd gather up a group of my friends each year on that date for a little something I named AVD: The "Anti-Valentine's Day" party.
This year will be the party's 6th incarnation. AVDvi.
I'm very excited, although this year I really haven't been hyping it up as much as usual. I imagine it will be a much more low-key affair than past years. Which actually might be a good thing. We've been contacted by the police for the past 2 years in a row, and I would like to attempt to break that trend this time around.
In any case, I'm sure I'll have plenty to talk about tomorrow.
