Those First Hours
12.31.4
Tonight's the night. New Year's Eve. At midnight tonight, everything is supposed to change, right?
It's the beginning of a brand new year. A fresh start. That's what they all say, don't they? But aren't these ideas just superstitions? Could there be any truth to the idea that a new year brings with it a wealth of opportunities? Does the new year even mean anything?
My instincts tell me, "No." I really do wish that weren't the case, though. I could use a little change in my life. 2004 has been my worst year ever. It seems the year started going downhill even in its first two hours.
Those first hours...
This year started out with the conception of a child, that would soon after be aborted. In the months that followed, I worked at my crappy job, day in and day out, for not nearly enough pay. I hated it more and more each day. My fiancée grew less and less attached to me, until she finally decided to do the one thing that she knew would hurt me the most. After that, she tried to make me feel bad about her infidelities, by blaming them on the terminated pregnancy. Sadly, it even worked. I moved out to Florida to "give her some time away from me."
Mere days later, I started to realize the stupidity of my actions and returned secretly, only to find that she had still been continuing a (for lack of a better word) "relationship" with this (for lack of a better word) "man." She then left me here to pay for this apartment alone, when there was no reason for her to believe I'd be able to afford it. She, of course, claimed that she would still own up to her financial responsibilities by paying her half of the rent, but alas...I never saw a dime. Not that I expected to.
Since then, I keep getting these little glimmers of false hope. Hope that things are getting better. I keep thinking that I am days away from getting this new job. Each time, however, something gets in the way. The company's been bought out. Hiring's been put on hold. The position was already filled, but nobody knew it.
Even the little things seem to be going wrong. I ordered a new ZIP drive for my broken multi-track recorder, and when it arrived I was supposed to, once again, be able to record my music. It did arrive. It did not solve the problem.
So, tonight, I am conflicted. On one hand, I would love to end this year with a bang. I want nothing more than to get so stupidly drunk, that in the morning I'll wake up in someone else's house/bed/lawn...just wondering what i had done the night before. Yet, on the other (much heavier) hand, I don't know if I'll be able to enjoy this night. Will the anniversary of the incident that started it all ruin this new year for me? Can I forget about all the bullshit? Can I start 2005 off right? And does it matter?
If the current year continues its downward trend, then I may be lucky if I even survive the night...
