Vote For Me
11.7.4
I'm really sick of hearing about these election results.
I had hoped that Kerry would win for this exact reason. I've spent three years listening to everyone talk about the same old shit, and I don't know if I can take another four. Especially considering the petty, ridiculous nature of some of these complaints.
Look...the next person who mentions to me that Bush continued reading a children's book on "9/11" is seriously going to get bitch-slapped. What exactly did you people want him to do? What could've been done by Bush specifically in those 10 minutes that would've changed anything that day? When shit goes down, does the CIA, the FBI, and everyone else just sit on their asses until the president barges into the room screaming, "ALRIGHT BABY! HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO!"
I'm not saying Bush was the best president, mind you. I'm also not saying that Kerry would've done a much better job. But at least when the time came for Kerry to fuck up, it might have been something new. At least then, political discussions might have been interesting again. At this point everything's already been said, though. Keeping with that trend...since the election I keep hearing the same 3 things from everyone:
"I'm so disappointed in this country right now."
"This country's going to hell!"
"I'm moving to Canada!"
Alright...first off, let me say this: Canada Sucks.
Secondly...the election is over. There is nothing we can do about it. If you're not going to shut up about it, then maybe you should move to Canada. At least then, I won't have to hear all of your bitching.
How about this? In 2008, make the right decision and do a write-in vote for me, instead. I think I'd make a good Head of State. In fact, why don't I outline some of the things I will accomplish during my presidency:
- The drinking age will be lowered to 18. This will effectively raise DUI deaths in this country, which will have a double-edged effect. It will help control the population, and it will increase awareness about drunk driving.
- "If I'm old enough to die for my country, shouldn't I be allowed to drink a beer?" Nope! The draft age will also be lowered...to 16.
- Jaywalking and adultery will become felonies, punishable by death.
- I will place the following restrictions on child-bearing:
- Prospective parents will be given a test to determine their eligibility. If you are not smart enough to use the self-checkout at the grocery store...you probably shouldn't be raising children.
- Parents will be allowed one, and only one child.
- Gay marriages will not only be legal...they will be encouraged. The more gay marriages, the less children, right?
- Warning labels will be eliminated. In addition to this, frivolous lawsuits will be considered treason, and as such, will be punishable by death.
- The word "sandwich," will be legally changed to "sammich."
- Price caps will be placed on the following products to keep them affordable and widely accessible:
- Milk
- Gas
- Cigarettes
- Alcohol
- CDs
- Sushi
- Porn
- Fireworks
So, in 2008, make the right decision. Don't vote for another conservative or liberal who's just going to pussy-foot around these hot-button issues and refuse to get anything done. Vote for me, and enact some real change in this country.
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