John C. Urdoe
10.22.4
I am John C. Urdoe.
That is the name that is on the receipt for my HIV screening. More accurately, I am patient #769543. When you go in for an HIV screening, you are not asked if you would like the results to be anonymous. It is not even an option. You are instantly assigned a number in order to "protect your privacy." I don't suppose that many people who discover they have AIDS even have a moment where they worry about their privacy.
"I'm sorry but your screening result came back positive. You will die a disappointing and painful death, more than likely from some generally innocuous virus like the flu."
"Shit...I hope nobody finds out."
Are we to assume that there would be a danger to some lab technician somewhere knowing the real name of someone with AIDS? It seems to me, that this level of secrecy is more for the benefit of those technicians, who's only purpose in life is to sign people's death warrants. It's like war. Racism runs rampant in war. Soldiers go out into the fields everyday and kill human beings. But they eliminate the human aspect of it. They're killing "Gooks"..."Krauts"..."Sandniggers." These simple labels allow them to dehumanize the atrocities they commit. I imagine it is the same way with these screening results. It is easier to send the results off to a number...a John Doe...than it is to tell Brian Cutaia that he is dying.
It is now 1:09AM on Friday. I am around 36 hours away from going back to get the news...good or bad. It has been 2 weeks since I went down to Planned Parenthood to take the tests. I have tried to keep my mind as occupied as possible. However, being alone so much gives a hypochondriac like myself plenty of time to think. Too much in fact. I have grown so used to things going wrong in my life, that I almost expect the worst tomorrow. All these negative thoughts and questions bounce around in my head. How will I break the news to the women I've slept with? Which one gave it to me? Was it Kris? Can I forgive her?
769543. Eventually everyone's number comes up. I just hope that this isn't mine.
***update***
It is now October 25th, 2004.
The morning after I initially wrote this entry, I went down to Planned Parenthood to get my results. They all came back negative, which needless to say, makes me quite happy. Another bullet dodged, I suppose.
