Stockholm Syndrome
10.14.4
It has been 40 days since Kris left me, and I find myself without much to do.
If I can say anything about the past 3 years, it is that they were filled with the comfort of routine. This isn't to say that our relationship was boring. We perhaps didn't always strive to make every day exciting, but we had our moments. The comfort came from knowing that no matter where each day took me, I was going to come home each night to a loving kiss, and a nice conversation. It came from knowing each night that I wasn't just returning to my house...I was coming home.
I've had so many people tell me that I should just move on, and forget about her. I don't think any of them realize just what she was to me. She was not just my girlfriend. She was my fiancée. Were it not for money constraints, we would have been married last summer. She was closer to family than most of my blood relatives are. It's been 40 days, and already people expect me to move on.
Is my reaction to all of this really so unusual? We lived together for 3 years, and then suddenly it was over. It has only been 40 days. To me it seems stranger that she should be so..."over us" already. I suppose that means she was over it even before she left me, doesn't it?
In any case, I now find myself in a different, much less enjoyable routine. I work, I sleep, I work. When I am not at my shitty job, I am sitting right here in this chair. I browse the internet for flash animations, social forums, anything that will simply eat up some time. Yet somehow, with all the masses of useless crap on the internet, I am even running out of things to do there.
It's almost like Stockholm Syndrome. Sometimes those who have spent years in jail have trouble readusting to a normal life. Sometimes they commit more crimes, simply to get back to that warm, safe jail-cell. I don't want to imply that the last 3 years were a prison in any way, but after some of the horrible things she's done to me, it's hard not to relate the two.
I think that may be part of the reason for this website. It's something new. Something I can put alot of effort into, that will kill a bit of time. If anything, I hope this journal inspires me to do something interesting every now and then. Even if it is just to avoid sounding boring to a bunch of random readers.
I suppose time will tell. And so will these pages.
Sit down...relax. Have a drink. It's good to have you.
